MY POINT OF BECOMING-A-MOTHER-AGAIN-VIEW
What’s about spring without all flowers blooming?
There are times I feel great, there are times I feel horrible about that night: Greece, Saturday may 11th, 21.30 h. I called my doctor to announce proudly that waters were broken. As I admitted lately, I didn't know what was to come; I only sensed my baby and couldn't wait for the moment I'd look at her face. The time the too of us would finally meet had come! That was the feeling.
Unaccordingly to my expectations, delivery was nothing but a harsh experience. Given that a) my baby was not facing downward during the pregnancy and didn't manage to turn on her own till the time I reached the hospital and b) I had just left a restaurant (!), "epidural was the only way not to feel the C-section".
I blame myself, since, for not being prepared, at least, for the case. Natural childbirth was in my mind, what else??
I cannot blame my baby for "she wanted to come out of the living room" as one said, or my doctor who respected my willing and gave birth to my first child at 41 weeks, or common practice, which I knew was opposite to long lasting/ natural ways ... so I blame me for not insisting on waiting a little more and give my daughter the chance to turn to the "right position". Did I fail to wait for my baby to come to me as a winner to life? Now I’ll never know.
The shock during the surgery was big enough for me to make the midwife say "come on, you’ll meet your girl soon" to bring me round. Indeed, I was not there. I felt everything wrong, like taking away from us the most precious moment of our lives…
My baby is healthy thus I'm blessed with another child in our family but there are times I have no consciousness of the labor that took place. I catch myself talking to my womb to comfort my baby of possible noise etc and I think maybe it’s because I missed an important link: cooperating with my baby to come to life.
Now I try to give her what I value the most: breastfeeding. I do not really know what would have happened to us and to me as a mother who’s guilty enough, if breastfeeding failed to establish. And for this unique bond I thank God and YOU MOTHERS of LLL and Birthvoice. You taught me the way to heal and nourish. We are lucky after all.